posted 17th December 2023
Family mediation is not a magic wand. But the good news is that there are many things you can do to maximise the chances of you sorting things out in mediation:
1. Be polite and respectful. Without that, you won’t be able to make progress, and your ex partner may give up on mediation.
2. Don’t assume you know what your ex partner wants or is feeling. Really listen to them, and focus on understanding their perspective, rather than how you are going to respond. It is by coming up with proposals that address your partner’s needs, as well as your own, that you will find a way forward.
3. If you have children, recognise that their needs are different from yours and that their needs come first. Focussing on your children will give you common ground, help you to put aside your own interests for their sakes, and in so doing access your best selves.
4. Be courageous. Be honest about your feelings and needs and the things you are concerned about, and let your ex partner be honest about theirs. This is how you access compassion for one another, which will unlock creative solutions. A small thing that costs you very little may make a big difference to them.
5. Avoid blaming your partner, as this will make them defensive and dig their heels in. Instead, focus on practical arrangements for the future. You can’t change the past, but in mediation you can shape your future.
6. Hang in there. Mediation often gives rise to issues you weren’t aware of, or requires you to face up to uncomfortable truths (e.g. you can’t afford to keep the house). It often gets harder before it gets easier.
7. Be open-minded and willing to explore all the options, even those that seem unpalatable. Doing so may help your ex-partner see that their preferred option won't work. It can also open up possibilities you hadn’t thought of.
8. Be willing to negotiate. Mediation is about coming to a solution that is less than you would ideally like, but something you can both live with for the sake of reaching agreement and moving on with your lives. If you stick to your guns, there is nowhere to go and mediation will break down.
9. Get legal advice from a solicitor who is supportive of mediation and will give you a sensible range within which you can negotiate. It is easy to say “I’ll see you in court”, but make sure you have a thorough understanding of the time, cost, and stress (for you both and any children) before you give up on mediation.
10. Do any "homework" tasks set by the mediator between sessions. The mediator will often set you tasks between sessions, such as finding out your mortgage capacity, or thinking about what you do and don't want to happen on the doorstep when the children move between you. The more you can do between sessions, the fewer sessions you will need, and the more likely you will be to reach agreement sooner.
If you would like to explore mediation, please get in touch.
